I was at a dinner table with some strangers that they we’re trying their best to please me. The rabbit was prepared in special occasions – I was told – and it was a delicacy around these places. It might be I thought, but then again, also my grandfather thought the same, I did not share his opinion.

So, I was faced with the big white (fancy) plate full of the fine delicacy, cooked at the best. It had some salad leafs around. I am sure that must of been other things on that table but I don’t remember much. I only remember the immaculate dinner table with the perfect aligned cutlery and plates. With the neat white serviettes complementing the whole arrangement.

I did not know how to react to the ”surprise”. For them I was the poor, inexperienced and under fed ”child” coming from a third world. Offering me this rabbit feast must of been a delight they thought. Except it wasn’t. The smell churn off my stomach and I was smiling trying to explain in my best Italian that I can’t eat this. Yes, we do eat it in my country too, except that I don’t. I can’t eat rabbits. They are rather partners to play with and not a meal to me.

I was finally given some pasta. At least this I could eat. They still could not get over the shock that I refused their delicious rabbit.

After dinner I watched loud Italian tv. If you don’t know Italian tv, oh well, I can tell you it’s a delight. I just wanted to go to sleep so after all that dinner fuss now they had to accept I cannot entertain them.

I was showed my room – an equally sterile bedroom, with sheets so perfect, that I was afraid not to ruin them. I tried to go to sleep, yet it was very difficult. Why I was even here? Oh yes, I was trying to please my mum. These people are remarkable and helped me a lot in my journey here. You will see, they are nice people and you will like them. One dinner won’t kill you. And, really, they are like family. Not my family, I thought.

Yes, it was embarrassing and for some reason I felt that it was under my dignity to be there and pretend all that circus. Like, I was a circus monkey they we’re dying to see. Except I wasn’t, I could not ever accept this role.

Ți s- a întâmplat vreodată să îți vezi reflexia in vreo vitrină oarecare si sa nu te recunoști? Mergeam pe străzi necunoscute si ușor ostile, priveam cu mirare si curiozitatea obișnuita: cine sunt oamenii aceștia? Ce povesti uimitoare ascund ei? Care este ritualul lor zilnic? De ce sunt aici si nu in alta parte?

Am văzut o față intr- un geam. Cine o fi ea? M- am întrebat. Undeva, vag si de foarte departe îmi părea cunoscuta. Si totuși, nu o cunosteam. M- am oprit brusc si am mai privit odata. Să fiu sigura ca nu trec fără sa o salut. Gafe din astea fac mereu. Ea mă privea insistent si ceva m- a făcut să îi zâmbesc. Câteodată oamenii au nevoie de un zâmbet. E îndeajuns. Straina mi- a zâmbit timid înapoi. Părea ca totuși o cunosc.

Nu, persoana asta din vitrina nu o cunosc. E doar o reflexie a unei stări. Mi-am continuat periplul in necunoscut, fără a înceta sa mă gândesc unde am mai văzut-o.

I left Romania in September 2007 for a six months internship abroad. Like a forever ago. It’s been almost twelve years and I still cannot believe that twelve years have passed.

It was exactly one year after my graduation. I couldn’t find a job, or rather was doing all kind of jobs that we’re not what I believed would be. I thought back then, that life and the world must be more than that. I had no idea what I am doing. I never imagined that would be more than six months. I was reckless and fearless and I believed that I am the strongest person I know. I believed I could reach the clouds and the clouds would lift me.

I discovered a much different world that I imagined. At first it felt wonderful and full of possibilities. Later on, it was frightening and scary.

I am no longer that person. I’ve come to know myself better. To recognize my flaws and my weakest points. Looking back, I am not sure I would be so courageous anymore. I traveled in places I could never imagined I would. I feel lucky and blessed and most of all grateful for all the amazing life experiences and for the strength I acquired during this time.

I’ve been at the lowest points ( though, never say never) and I reached a high degree of integrity and understanding of myself and a better understanding of the world. There is so much more out there to learn and grasp – about humans and about our condition, I feel blessed to have arrived here. In this very point.

Twelve years of crazy, uncertainty, confusion, not belonging and still trying to get there. My modest upbringing and a high degree of self preservation helped me avoid trouble and keep the right path or the best I could think of. My instincts never lied to me. I often tried to ignore them, turns out, whenever I did ignore it, that caused me some serious issues.

I am in a really different place I thought I would be by now. That’s the beauty with life, it’s fucking unpredictable. I would do it all the same shall I have the chance to start from that point again? Probably yes, I would take more challenges, I would be even braver, I would not look back in the past so much.Doubt often stopped me from doing more. Or being more.

I left doubt in that drawer now. I can still move mountains and I will never let doubt or fear stop me.

As a dear good friend once told me: if its overwhelming, think of it like that: these shoes are yours and are a bit bigger but as you move along you will end up filling those shoes. Those shoes will perfectly fit you at some point. Yes, that turned out to be true. My feet are still a bit small, but I’ll be damned – I am so close to fit them perfectly.

I am grateful for all the people coming my way. Every single one taught me a hell of a lesson. This is not an exaggeration. Some gave me a good shake to wake up, some have been or still are good friends and some teached me what was needed and they are gone.

Life is not like a box of chocolate. Life is a god damn store full of chocolate. True, sometimes too much chocolate makes me sick. I still eat like there is no tomorrow. Like my grandma would say: I am eating like a gypsy, like I never know when I’ll get some more, so I eat it all at once.

I often wonder what would have happened if I never left. I guess I will never know. Next time, I’ll take that opportunity to Afghanistan or Burma. Or whatever place on Earth will be. Next time, I’ll be better. And braver. I will keep you posted, I know you all want to know. 😉

Namaste

Mă plimbam agale prin târgul meu natal, intr-o zi de “vacanță”, în una dintre rarele mele reveniri pe plaiurile mioritice. Era o zi din aia între iarnă si primăvara, o zi în care nu poți prevesti de va fi cald sau frig, cum se întâmpla între schimbarea dintre anotimpuri. S-a dovedit a fi o zi gri, cu brumă si nori grei ce prevesteau un soi de furtună.

In ciuda vremii, mă plimbam cu oarecare nostalgie si un grad de anxietate ce mă cuprinde de fiecare dată când ajung acasă. E un sentiment ciudat, inexplicabil, între un dor teribil de copilărie și, în același timp, o stare de neliniște ce mă cuprinde și care mă provoacă așa de tare încât îmi vine să o iau la fugă. Și cum modul meu de a mă liniști, este să merg kilometri întregi până la epuizare, indiferent de vreme, am decis s-o iau la pas prin orașul meu natal, să văd unde mă vor duce, ei, pașii. Inevitabil, am ajuns în cartierul în care am locuit toată copilăria. Picioarele mele știau unde merg și nu m-am împotrivit, le-am lăsat sa mă ghideze cum știu ele mai bine.

Simțeam fiecare dâmb, cunosc pe dinafară fiecare colț, strădută, alee, copac (ce a mai rămas din ei), fiecare clădire și chiar am întâlnit o mulțime de fețe familiare, dar îmbătrânite si schimbate de vreme într-un mod surprinzător, dar recognoscibil. Nu cred că aș mai ști cum se numesc, sau in ce circumstanțe i-am mai văzut, dar sunt convinsă că foarte mulți dintre ei mi-au fost colegi la liceu sau pur și simplu ne știam din cartier. Un singur domn am recunoscut fără urmă de îndoiala – era fostul meu profesor de Tehnologia Materialelor din liceu, care culmea, părea că nu s-a schimbat deloc – îl știam bătrân, însă a rămas la fel, inexplicabil – nu părea mai îmbătrânit decât acu’ mulți ani când era profesorul meu. Ne-am uitat lung unul la altul, l-am salutat dar nu a răspuns- a rămas tot un ursuz și desigur, că la sutele de elevi pe care i-a avut nu și-ar aminti tocmai de mine, am fost un elev execrabil, mai ales la Tehnologia Materialelor.

Mergând mai departe, fără un scop anume, am ajuns in fața bisericii unde mă duceam fără religiozitate odată pe an, de Paște. Fix, vorba aia, din an în Paște. Am vrut sa intru, dar un gând m-a reținut: nu aveam capul acoperit, cum e creștinește și nu se cuvine să intru, după cum se știe, femeile in religia creștin ortodoxă nu au voie sa între în biserică cu capul descoperit. Gândul acesta, atât de sublim de ridicol m-a frapat. A fost incredibil de scurt, un flash l-am putea numi, dar a venit așa fulgerător și neașteptat încât m-a lovit unde mă durea cel mai tare. Iată-mă, 30 de ani mai târziu, complet “eliberată” de dogma ortodoxa sau orice tip de religie, in general, după multe studii aprofundate, discuții intense și convingeri anti biserică și religie, in fața unei dileme pe care nu mi-aș fi închipuit că o pot trăi, sigură pe convingerile mele și valorile după care imi duc traiul, stând in fața acestei vechi biserici care m-a transformat instant in fetița de 8 ani, căreia i s-a făcut teamă, frică aș putea spune, de repercusiunile ce s-ar putea abate asupra mea, dacă încalc regula sfântă.

După ce m-am dezmeticit din propriul șoc, realizare, revelație sau cum vreți sa o numim, am intrat cu pași apăsați totuși în lăcașul sfânt. Mai mult să îmi dovedesc că gândul meu m-a păcălit, de fapt. Am resimțit reproșul vizual al doamnei ce vindea lumânări, care purta evident un batic – din ăla tradițional. Cu tot curajul am pășit mai departe si am mers până în fața altarului. M-am așezat acolo o vreme să îmi dovedesc mai tare că nu sunt spălată complet pe creier și am ascultat ce cântau băieții ăia. Era mult despre moarte, si pedepse și cum nu ar trebui sa ieșim din cuvântul Lui. De fapt, era cam mult despre cum Domnul Atotputernic își pedepsește necredincioșii.

De data asta însă, nu m-au convins. Nu le-am spus ca de fapt, e un bluff, mi s-ar fi părut cam greu să îi conving. Am plecat.

Complet surprinsă de propria-mi minte și căile ei ascunse. Aș fi vrut tare să le strig in față, dar până la urma, ar fi contat? Nu cred. Frica de Dumnezeu și de Iad, e mult mai puternică decât putem noi duce.

Încă odată, m-am surprins intr-un mod complet neașteptat. Am mers mult in ziua respectivă, când am ajuns acasă, am adormit instant. Cred că am visat că ajunsesem in Iad.

Încurcate sunt căile Domnului.

I imagine that, if you are anything like me, you also googled, at least once, the sentence: “how to be a responsible adult”. I also imagine you tried it all and still feel that with all the advice you get, is still not enough to make you feel that you’re doing it right.

However, instead of learning lessons of what an adult should be and behave, i learnt some things that as a grown up (!) person i shouldn’t.

Since I promised myself (and to you my reader, whoever you are) that I would never give any advice on how to live and travel your life, I won’t, I will just share my experience, not so limited anymore, which is getting scary already.

Look, I get it: being an adult in 2019 is no picnic. If you are not born a Kardashian, chances are that you get to work hard to pay your bills, your rent, or whatever tax your government is making you pay for breathing (and if it happens that you are not a family, as in at least two people, the government will punish you and make you pay more taxes because you don’t procreate, which is basically a gift for humanity and the overpopulated Earth, anyway this is another story, this is a story for another time). So, paying for your daily food, you might also want to have a savings account, prepare for your old times (fast approaching, I assure you), help all those orphans in Romania, and what about the f..ing global warming that kills those polar bears? And when you will do all that traveling to help those people build some schools for girls (so important!) since you cannot skip work because, as I said, you have to pay for all the above.

On top of everything, your love life is a disaster, your family gave hope you’ll settle down and have a family finally, they are just asking nowadays if you had a meal, at least that day. The level of trust.

It is kind of enough to make you feel that you are watching a slow movie of your life falling apart. You all know that scene from GOT: Shame! Shame! Shame! ….

Hey, it doesn’t have to be that hard. My most recent lesson is that: health is the most important thing. I am not talking only about eating healthy and exercise, but the whole package. Do those yearly check ups, I know it’s a pain: all the appointments and waiting rooms and the disproving glares of the doctors (irresponsible bastard, ruining social welfare for others because you are not capable to do your health check on time, so basically your treatment will cost more. No, really I am not dying) – I tried, it sucks but afterwards you pat yourself on the shoulder and think: that’s so grown up of me.

Meet your friends more, internet less, learn how to budget (jeez, this kills me, I’ll admit it), take your time, be gentle and more compassionate with yourself, learn how to cook, get a plant – it’s much easier if it dies than your dog ( harsh experience), respect everyone (I get it, this one is truly hard), judge less – we are all going through same shit, some hide it very well and it’s shocking when you learn about life experiences of some other people.

One very important thing I’ve got: stop comparing yourself with others. I mean, just stop. I end up only putting so much pressure on myself for being so inadequate and it only adds up to all that anxiety above.

This being said, after barely surviving this Mercur in retrograde, I feel we can make it.And I won’t give up to that bloody expedition to Kamchatka.

Allez, kisses on your chakras, it’s a whole new month ahead and will get past it. Dead or alive, that is.

I will not lie to you. I am a hopeless romantic. I mean Hopeless.

And that is despite all and everything.

Every single time I fall for it. I just cannot do it otherwise. I get completely crushed (almost) every time. I tell you, I let that vulnerability out and open like my life depends on it. Often it does. And somehow I still believe that next time will be different. My therapist would say take I make poor choices to compensate for other things, you get the point. And maybe there is a little bit of truth in that. ( and, yes, I have a therapist, get over it).

Yet, come to think of it. It’s not me. It’s you. That’s my final word on this.

But I decided that this is who I am. And I can’t really be something different. So, bring it karma! I am ready! Think you can break me again. But guess what? Even if you do, I’ll put the pieces back together. I’ve learned so well how to do that, I almost feel like I am mastering this shit. Well, not always, but I have my moments.

What else you got in there for me Universe? And the Universe is answering: oh, you think you can take more? Sure, here it is and He just loads yet another pile of shit all over.

Whatever it is, ok. I embrace it.

Namaste

Chiar, cum zicem in română self-help? Mă ajut singur? Îmi dau singur ajutor? Mă ajut pe mine?

Ce mai facem când o luăm razna?

Păi, cum ar zice un prieten de-o veșnicie care s-a terminat: respiră adânc. Veșnicia s-a născut și a murit la sat.

Ce facem dacă respiratul adânc nu funcționează? Ia cu Xanax. Asta e la sigur.

Ce mai, una, alta. Totul e pe bază de substanțe. Dar nu recomand alcool. Mă refer la substanțe chimice, eventual (medicamentoase) testate.

Uite, de exemplu: faci un ritual șamanic. Eu aproape am făcut, dar m-au luat fricile si practic am fugit de la programarea șamanică. Sau cum ar zice o altă prietenă (pe care o cunosc din alta viața, desigur): that time that i almost went to ayahuasca.

Deci, asta nu pot recomanda că nu cunosc.

O să mă pregătesc mai bine data viitoare si vă spun cum a fost. Dar, nush ce sa zic că nu prea mă simt motivată.

Ia cu yoga, sport, din astea. Oh well. Been there, done that. Mai încearcă – sigur endorfinele alea se vor activa ele vreodată. De fapt cred că endorfinele sunt niște rele. Vrăjitoare pe deasupra. Ele, in primul rând sunt cam greu de găsit. Stau ele pe undeva ascunse (ca niște prețioase) și vezi Doamne trebuiesc activate. Păi să se activeze odata domnule, că mă și enervez. Sau se activează ca proastele când nu trebuie. Sincer, acum.

Categoria mindfulness, meditație: păi cum? (Nu mă pot abține, mindfulness in română e plinătatea minții? Noaptea minții, mai degrabă). Dacă eu sunt o agitată din fire dintr-o dată imi stăpânesc mintea si ea va asculta cam ce-i dictez eu? Si puf! Ia uite cât mindfulness – sunt plină. Vorba aia, nu crede chiar tot ce gândești. Sau invers.

Anyway, găsiți voi calea către liniște spirituală, ca eu încă mai caut. Tot Internetul il caut. Daca găsiți ceva, anunțați-mă și pe mine.

Namaste.

Citat cu poză mai jos.