One year

I reach the point where I am struggling to get out of my flat. It’s exhausting only thinking about it.

It all started a year ago, as you probably know. First days we not so harsh, I think I was in denial. I started to follow the news frantically for a while and there was no good coming out of that.

Since then i have passed several stages. From crying out of nowhere and being scared, to placid calm and flatlining on all emotional fronts.

I don’t even know what’s worse: feeling it all or not feeling at all.

I’ve been in a sleep coma, almost, for a few good months. That was clearly the result of the years of tiredness that passed over me.

After those strange months of sleep combined with extreme angoisse and over cooking mania, getting hours of self care – home made spa’s, exaggerated facials and multi pedicures I moved Into the obsession of getting a dog. I didn’t tough. I was not allowed. My obsession with pets reached the level where I would go for a walk daily to visit a dog on certain neighbours terasse and a cat sleeping always at the window of other neighbours , oblivious to my stalking of their pet.

The only moments of relative peace and calm was when, after first lockdown, I set my foot on a warm amazing beach. For about two weeks I lived in another dimension. I’ve been running every morning on the empty beach. My head started to be more clear, I wandered days on end on this island getting lost in the fantastic nature, getting sunburned, falling asleep on a very remote beach, walking again, sleeping again and gaining some sort of shield from the outside world. I was finally able to read again after the foggy last months and I felt grateful to exist alone on this empty island.

That only lasted only two weeks. Getting back to lockdown, isolation and more worrying news about uncertainty of life. I started a new circle of crazy, getting into daily walks into the park nearby to greet the parrots living there. Amazing friends. We talked a lot. Mostly they do drama. Work started to give me a new meaning and, while I was focused on a specific project, my mind was too busy to spiral into crazy. So I continued until exhaustion.

I worked incredible hours and/or week ends and I never give it a single thought of stopping. It gave me purpose. My mind could not be in stand by even for a second, so naturally I started knitting. Knitting stage is not over, actually I hope it will last, I am starting to get good at it. Knitting frantically and watching Netflix for hours is the natural stage that comes after sleep. Except, my exhaustion grew stronger as I couldn’t seem to stop this energy.

Days get by and I reached the other extreme stage, where I can’t get out of bed. Literally, moving my hands felt like a giant effort. Showering was a victory of the day, needless to say that doing the dishes was a double win. Every little thing I was able to pursue in a given day was a personal victory.

The only thing I could do those weeks was to read. It was like reading transposed me in a reality that it was only mine. Nothing related to this insane, Incoherent and blurry reality that was foreign. Also during this time I had to visit several doctors, hospitals etc. Not scary at all. No, COVID has not found me yet and I still hope to escape it. The next logical stage was to join all the literary clubs and online book discussions, re read classics and went into fierce debates about Goethe’s “sorrows of the young Werther”.

My mind started ruminating again and I have no control over my media consumption. Doomscrolling is now controlling my life. I don’t have the ability to stop feeding on bad news.

One constant during this time, is a sacred hour a day, dedicated to some sort of move. Even in the hardest days I still try to make it. I don’t always manage, but when I do – it’s a victory.

Now I am spiralling again in extreme work and over work my brain with different projects. There is also the insomnia. Yep, this one is a killer.

Combined with my aversion to exit my flat, almost into a new stage of fear, or anxiety inexperienced before, I can safely say that I will probably never be the same again.

How did you spent your pandemic so far ?


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