You are doing great, babe

A year ago today I was in Lisbon. I got reminded of that thanks to google. And the crazy thing is that I was there only for the day. I flew early in the morning and got back with a late flight. I am not proud of it. But it was a crazy amazing one day adventure. It was a hot day in Lisbon and the sky was clear blue, the sea was in the same tone with the sky, there was a seagull watching me curiously, and I had grilled fish, and pasteis de Nata, and I was the happiest girl alive.

Today I’ve seen a plane. I almost cried with excitement. I imagined is one of those planes that transports help towards others. Less fortunate.

I also saw an (almost) naked man on the street. He seemed rather upset. I don’t know what to make of it. I was reluctant to ask despite the fact that he seemed rather eager to chat.

I almost hugged a woman that smiled at me in the supermarket. I didn’t, but I really wanted. And the lady at the counter seeing that I struggle with that mask she advised me how to wear it better. She also said that I will get used to it over time. She is now wearing it everyday and it gets easier by day.

An old man with an equally old dog smiled at me and told me I owe to say “bonjour” to the dog. We chatted. With the dog. He was really happy to talk. So was I.

It’s 8 o’clock. People (still) clap from their balconies. Someone is singing with an accordéon. People cheer and clap harder.

I dreamt that I flew to Japan. It took me two weeks and when I got there my return flight was right away. So I didn’t had a chance to see any of it. The airport was nice tough.

I feel anger some days. And some other days , even the same day or minute, I feel sadness. Deep sadness. What have i lost? And I cry because I feel loss. I cannot point what exactly. Or maybe I can but sounds superficial saying it out loud. So I don’t.

I talk to my plants. And it’s working because they seem rather happy and greener everyday.

Days are mingling and there is no difference in between. It feels like that movie when you are stuck in the same day over again and you don’t know what to make of it. As hard as I try to change the trajectory I wake up the next day only to find that I am still on the same damn day. Maybe If I try harder I can escape the loop and move on to the next. Yes, that is definitely what I’ll do. There must be a way.

I say a lot of no’s. And that’s ok. One thing that I’ve learnt maybe during this alone time. I can say no and (almost) not feel guilty. It is a process, no one said it’s easy to say no.

Also, I have a lot of ideas. maybe it’s true that boredom leads to creativity. Except that I am never bored. There is always something ruminating through my brain.

I don’t make bread. But I cook more than usual. It feels good to have a good meal every day. No sandwich day for me. Will I ever have a sandwich for lunch? Seems improbable.

Is this reality good? Is it bad? Today definitely feels good. Yep. And the next 1st of May I will be in Florence. Or the Black Sea coast or in Bucharest with my people. And not only for a day. And I will be the happiest girl alive.

You are doing great, babe!

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