I left Romania in September 2007 for a six months internship abroad. Like a forever ago. It’s been almost twelve years and I still cannot believe that twelve years have passed.
It was exactly one year after my graduation. I couldn’t find a job, or rather was doing all kind of jobs that we’re not what I believed would be. I thought back then, that life and the world must be more than that. I had no idea what I am doing. I never imagined that would be more than six months. I was reckless and fearless and I believed that I am the strongest person I know. I believed I could reach the clouds and the clouds would lift me.
I discovered a much different world that I imagined. At first it felt wonderful and full of possibilities. Later on, it was frightening and scary.
I am no longer that person. I’ve come to know myself better. To recognize my flaws and my weakest points. Looking back, I am not sure I would be so courageous anymore. I traveled in places I could never imagined I would. I feel lucky and blessed and most of all grateful for all the amazing life experiences and for the strength I acquired during this time.
I’ve been at the lowest points ( though, never say never) and I reached a high degree of integrity and understanding of myself and a better understanding of the world. There is so much more out there to learn and grasp – about humans and about our condition, I feel blessed to have arrived here. In this very point.
Twelve years of crazy, uncertainty, confusion, not belonging and still trying to get there. My modest upbringing and a high degree of self preservation helped me avoid trouble and keep the right path or the best I could think of. My instincts never lied to me. I often tried to ignore them, turns out, whenever I did ignore it, that caused me some serious issues.
I am in a really different place I thought I would be by now. That’s the beauty with life, it’s fucking unpredictable. I would do it all the same shall I have the chance to start from that point again? Probably yes, I would take more challenges, I would be even braver, I would not look back in the past so much.Doubt often stopped me from doing more. Or being more.
I left doubt in that drawer now. I can still move mountains and I will never let doubt or fear stop me.
As a dear good friend once told me: if its overwhelming, think of it like that: these shoes are yours and are a bit bigger but as you move along you will end up filling those shoes. Those shoes will perfectly fit you at some point. Yes, that turned out to be true. My feet are still a bit small, but I’ll be damned – I am so close to fit them perfectly.
I am grateful for all the people coming my way. Every single one taught me a hell of a lesson. This is not an exaggeration. Some gave me a good shake to wake up, some have been or still are good friends and some teached me what was needed and they are gone.
Life is not like a box of chocolate. Life is a god damn store full of chocolate. True, sometimes too much chocolate makes me sick. I still eat like there is no tomorrow. Like my grandma would say: I am eating like a gypsy, like I never know when I’ll get some more, so I eat it all at once.
I often wonder what would have happened if I never left. I guess I will never know. Next time, I’ll take that opportunity to Afghanistan or Burma. Or whatever place on Earth will be. Next time, I’ll be better. And braver. I will keep you posted, I know you all want to know. 😉